I wish more than anything I could be that kind of person. The one that tells you exactly what she’s thinking when she’s thinking it. I wish I could be true to myself and be unapologetically honest and transparent, to always have the courage to speak my truth.
Life would be so much simpler.
But that’s not how it’s ever worked for me.
Most times, I am at a loss for words, or they get lodged in my throat like a big suffocating lump. Other times, I feel myself trying to mouth the words to expel them from my chest, only for no sound to come through.
Something so simple and natural for others is a constant source of struggle and frustration for me and others who have difficulty communicating their needs.
Recently, someone I know commented on how emotionally stunted I am and my poor ability to communicate. It made me livid.
I say it all the time, and I joke about it, but I took offense to this person, making it sound like it’s my fault I struggle to communicate my needs, then dismissing me as a lost cause and a great inconvenience to them.
Admittedly, it is a character trait that makes having relationships difficult, but it’s not like we choose to make it a part of our personality the way we choose the way we like to dress. Sometimes, it’s even a symptom of some past trauma that’s shaken us to the core, a cold fear that grips our hearts. A protective coping mechanism we’ve developed.
Even when we are wise enough to recognize the problem within ourselves and choose to work through it, our work is cut out for us, and it’s not something that we can improve overnight.
Where Does It Come From?
Communication is a learned skill. We learn the basics as children and continue to shape how we communicate our needs to the world through our experiences, environment, and psychological states. The following all affect our communication style:
- Upbringing and Early Experiences: In some families, open communication is discouraged, criticized, or ignored. Negative responses to previous attempts at communicating our needs make us afraid, and we learn to suppress our needs out of necessity. Other times, it’s a case of fearing rejection or abandonment. So we learn to people please to keep the peace. Reinforced negative experiences attempting to express our needs eventually lead to us not trusting people either.
- Cultural Expectations: Some cultures emphasize self-sacrifice, humility, or family. Expressing individual needs, mainly if they differ from the expectations the family has of us, can be seen as selfish or inappropriate. Expectations of gender roles can also affect the way women, for example, are shamed for expressing their sexual desires or how men are conditioned to minimize emotional affection and needs.
- Lack of Communication Skills: Emotional intelligence requires practice and awareness. Some of us didn’t grow up with examples of effective communication. Others weren’t given the space to nurture this part of themselves. Without practice expressing one’s needs, a person may be unable to identify or articulate their feelings.
What Does Difficulty Communicating Needs Look Like?
Difficulty communicating needs goes beyond remaining silent or avoiding difficult conversations. It leads to a host of behaviors and emotions that unconsciously stem from the frustration of not properly communicating our needs.
Some of these behaviors include:
- Avoidance: Minimizing issues with humor, changing the subject, avoiding social gatherings or discussions where needs or opinions may need to be expressed.
- Passive Aggression: People may indirectly try to make needs known by using sarcastic remarks, sulking, or other passive-aggressive behaviors.
- Withdrawal: People might withdraw from interactions or become less engaged to avoid the discomfort of expressing needs.
- Overcompensation: People pleasing, overly accommodating, neglecting self-needs to meet the needs of others.
- Outbursts: A buildup of frustration and unexpressed needs leads to unexpected outbursts, sometimes over seemingly minor issues.
- Reliance on Nonverbal Cues: Rely heavily on nonverbal communication such as body language, facial expressions, or tone of voice to both read and communicate needs.
Emotional manifestations of difficulty communicating needs may look like:
- Frustration: A person may feel frustrated when they feel their needs aren’t being met, especially if they feel that they tried to communicate those needs in their way.
- Anxiety: Fear of being judged or misunderstood.
- Resentment: People may develop resentment if they feel their needs are consistently overlooked.
- Shame or Guilt: A person might feel shame or guilt over having any needs, especially when they are used to prioritizing others before themselves.
- Loneliness: Difficulty communicating needs can make people feel misunderstood and disconnected from others, leading to isolation and loneliness.
- Low Self-Esteem: When needs continue to go unmet, people may start to doubt their worth or the validity of their needs.
Where To Begin Tackling The Problem?
The best idea is always to seek out a professional who has experience helping others navigate these communication issues, usually a therapist. But there are always small steps you can start taking on your own.
- Self-awareness is the first step. To reframe the situation, it’s necessary to become aware of an issue and begin looking into when and where it originated.
- Next, you have to do some self-reflection. You can only communicate your needs if you know what they are. Ruminating on the subject won’t help either. This is why people learn to meditate, to listen to their higher selves, and not continue following the steps the ego sets out for us out of the need for survival. If sitting in silence cross-legged, trying to shut your brain off isn’t your thing, then go look for what is. What puts you in the zone? That’s how you connect to yourself; that’s your meditation.
- Journaling is also an excellent tool for reflection. Sometimes, you think you have nothing to say, and then you put pen to paper or get on a keyboard, and all this craziness makes its way out. Make some lists. Vision board that b*tch on Pinterest if you need to.
- Once you identify some of your needs, start trying to meet them yourself. The only way you’re going to know what people coming through for you and respecting your boundaries look like is if you have practice with it by being that person to yourself first. Learn to respect your needs, and you will be able to receive that from others as well.
Difficulty communicating needs is not always our fault, but we can take responsibility by trying to work through it and give ourselves grace for not becoming an entirely different person overnight. We won’t heal the same way we were wounded. Beating ourselves up for having difficulty speaking our truth won’t get us anywhere.
Be intentional, do it with love, do it for yourself, and try not to glare a hole through people who make rude comments about your past coping mechanisms that you are diligently working on to redirect.
Much Love,
Wolf Girl